Crazy energy!!!1!!

Editor's note: Dr. DeadBrinley is neither a licensed physician nor licensed psychiatrist. He is the author of blogs on silly shit and personal introspection, including his bestseller of 2014 "It's a brand new...". This article contains some words and ideas taken from his earlier essays on the topics of silly introspection and personal shit.

I have been feeling energetic recently. *Very* energetic. My confidence is high. My ego feels boosted. Day seems brighter. Work seems harder (hrmph). Drive home is funner. Bad news seems like news. Good news seems like OMFGCANYOUFUCKINGBELIEVETHIS fan-fucking-tastic. I have so many crazy ideas running through my head. I'm putting long hours in at work again. Every sentence *needs* a word with asterisks and *multiple* exclamation marks!!!1!!!!11!!!!!!one!!!! When I lie in bed at night I can't hear my heart thumping through my ear against my pillow and it seems so loud! I'm being social. Went to Garage tonight (well, it was kinda work-related). I have plans this weekend with a variety of friends for all kinds of fun activities: beers, babies, and Friday night cocktails! I'm making media. I've been a painting machine. I've cranked out 3pieces and am actively working on 4 more. MACHINE, I tells ya! I'm staying under budget (I barely spent $250 this week... waaaaay under the magic number). Kick ass! I'm getting more into social media. LinkedIn, you're next and I have my eye on you, Spotify. I'm on Facebook again talking with friends and reading up on people from all *kinds* of periods of my life! Ry-kim is on here!!! From 5th grade!!!!!! He was fucking supposed to be president by now! :) Life seems just grand.

...

All of the above is what I'm willing to *freely* admit. What I'm ignoring, since I am *really* enjoying this "high" that seems to keep persisting, are the other things I'm feeling...

SPOILER ALERT: They are not as happy as above. [insert frowny face] :(

I have a *lot* of energy. But it's not, like, energy that I feel like I can go use to run a marathon. It's more like "mental" energy. I don't know if that makes sense. My head actually feels buzzing with ideas and scenarios and I'm always thinking (well, more than normal). But this energy feels unnatural or almost artificial.

All of this energy is really fucking with my sleeping. Or lack of. Or, how about I'm not sleeping. It's taking me hours to settle and it takes me an hour to stir. That is *very* uncharacteristic. I fall asleep within 60 seconds and when I wake up I am normally ready and sharp in the mornings.

I have lost most of my appetite. I'm just not eating. Nothing seems yummy. Welllll, there is always room for PB M&Ms and Pringle's Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips (seriously, have you tried these? Stop reading this nonsense and go buy 4 for $3 at your local Walgreens now). But nothing seems worth putting in my mouth.

I am having trouble focusing. My little grey matter is flitting about just a teensy weensy too fast. I had a better handle on it a few weeks ago but I'm noticing a rise in fleeting thoughts. Since I have been a victim of sleep deprivation in the past, I know that this can totally be attributed to the lack of sleep.

I am sweating. And no, that's not slang for stressin'. I am sweating sweat... profusely. It's mostly my hands. It's been very bad the last two days. That is a very recent development so perhaps attributed to the dramatic weather earlier this week? I am embarrassed to admit to keeping paper towels, rolled into a cylinder, in each pocket so I may discreetly squeeze it them when I need to "dry off". I sit in an open floor plan around a busy walkway and I don't want to seem weird. Granny would lend me one of her handkerchiefs if she were with us. :)

And I am sad. The sadness is profound. It stabs me through the fucking heart like a spear. A week ago I felt crippled by it. I am fighting. I am pushing it away as best I can. I am fighting it but I fear I am losing as the days and weeks wane. I feel like there is a struggle in my head between feeling on top and being at the bottom.

So much is going well for me. Yes, I received some horrible news at work today (I will blog about that another time) and some of us discussed some radically crazy fucking schemes involving foreign countries that I'm not certain I want to periodically visit (another time as well), but soooooooo much is going well right now. I'm not ready to come down yet.

I've felt this sustained "on top" feeling for weeks... I think since my visit to Sysko Mountain in Maine before Thanksgiving. If I had to guess when it started it was that week. Something about that place was magical. It opened up a place in my soul that has been dormant. It kicked some rust off of this shriveled black heart. I felt alive again.

I just wish feeling so alive... had an on/off switch. ;)