Disenfranchised?

I am totally suffering from anhedonia. Since it was recently introduced into my vernacular I will offer the benefit of explaining that it is a clinical diagnosis of the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable. These activities include but are not limited to exercise, hobbies, music, sexual activities, or social interactions. (check wiki or read a book)

Work is kicking my ass. I'm lying to myself and rewarding myself for feeling on top of it. And it's working! I feel like I'm kicking *its* ass. But I'm not. I'm shining on a few projects that are dwarfed by a mountain of shit. I think the job I have now should be rotated periodically... like undercover units on police forces. This shit is intense. And overwhelming. I am pwning a few things... but merely celebrating in the shadow of the mountain of looming impossibility. This job is impossible. But fuck it... I'm pwning what I can, kicking ass where I can, and bearing the rest.

Dating is not fucking fun. I've gone on some dates. I've called a few grrrls. I think it's fun... I *tell* people it's fun. But fuck that. It is not. We're all too old and too weird and too set in our ways. What a fucking mess it is out there. Tonight I went on a third date with one grrrl. It was very nice. Last week I would be going nuts over it. Tonight I'm just... eh. (I hope to see her soon though)

And dating. Did I not mention it is no fucking fun? Had a great time with a grrrl Sunday. We hung out all afternoon. Had some cocktails. We really hit it off. And this one wasn't from a site. We connected on our own. But I have heard nothing from her since. Fucking weird and NO FUCKING FUN!

I'm spending too much money. Period. I'm blowing cash during manias. I'm blowing cash during lows. Way too much financial hemorrhaging. Dates are hurting the budget. Gov'ment sent me a confusing letter about some shit. Money is kicking my ass.

But what the fuck ever... you know what? I don't know who in my real life knows all of that. I pretend pretty well. I put on a great face at work (hell, this churchy grrrl at work has been Skyping and fb-liking me... like, a lot). But it's the face I put out. I imagine that I am at the place I want to be and not where I feel like I am. I project what I want to be and strive to be it instead of making the inadequate choices I could easily settle for each day. Some weeks it works better than others.

These last few days... jeebus Christmas, I've had some trouble getting stoked about anything. I thought it was lack of sleep from the weekend but I just feel so... jeez, I dunno. Disenfranchised? That's not the word I mean but that is the word I'm going with. I'm tired. I'm drunk. I'm going to bed.